


Give me a star to steer by

by Astrodynamicist



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Backstory, F/M, First Kiss, Moving Away, Stargazing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 10:43:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4561539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astrodynamicist/pseuds/Astrodynamicist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vanessa is perched in the tree outside your window (what is she doing that’s so dangerous). “We wanted to stargaze, and the sky hasn’t been properly clear for a month.” She opens the bag and tilts it for you to see. “I brought my skymap book, and I did up a torch with red cellophane like Mr. Dugan said you should for night vision. C’mon, we might not have another chance.”</p>
<p>She… </p>
<p>She isn’t wrong about that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give me a star to steer by

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



Your room is dark, and quiet, and comfortable. You are cozied up in bed, beginnings of dreams flickering across your consciousness. Bastien is sound asleep on the other side of the room, his breathing a soft background constant. Everything is peaceful, everything is at rest, everything is-  
  
_TAPTAPTAP_  
  
You jerk awake. Was that a bird? Or maybe the tree hitting against your window? You stare accusingly into its curtain. You don’t see anything. And Bastien is still fast asleep so.... you lie back down, and-  
  
_TAPTAPTAP “Hermann!”_  
  
What the hell?  
  
You pull the curtains aside. Vanessa smiles at you. She is perched in the tree outside your window (what is she doing that’s so dangerous) with a messenger bag and- who even cares what is she _doing_ out there?!  
  
With a glance back at your brother (oh, you hope he doesn’t wake up, you’ll be in so much trouble), you twist the latch and open the window just enough to talk.  
  
“The sky is clear!” she announces in a loud whisper before you can say anything.  
  
“...Why does that put you in my tree?!”  
  
She scowls. “We wanted to stargaze, and the sky hasn’t been properly clear for a month.” She opens the bag and tilts it for you to see. “I brought my skymap book, and I did up a torch with red cellophane like Mr. Dugan said you should for night vision.”  
  
“It’s past ten on a school night. Nessa, I can’t. We’ll get in trouble.”  
  
“Hermann, does Captain Kirk ever worry about getting in trouble?”  
  
“Yes, actually. And besides, we already agreed I’m Spock, and he’d definitely care even if Kirk didn’t.”  
  
You glance back at Bastien. He’s still asleep. Or at least, he seems to be. You squint. It would not be the first time he tricked you.  
  
“C’mon, we might not have another chance.”  
  
She…  
  
She isn’t wrong about that.  
  
“All right, I’m coming. Don’t fall out of the tree!”  
  
You move as quiet as you can as you slide on your trainers and creep down the stairs. They always creak, but you should be fine if you keep to the sides. You think. It’s not like you make a habit of this sort of thing.  
  
Outside, it’s a cool May evening. The sky is indeed clear as anything, and not for the first time you marvel at just how many stars you can see when you aren’t in the middle of a light-saturated city. You shove down rising regret and trot around to the backyard. Vanessa has already picked a spot, somewhere right around the invisible line that divides your family’s property from hers. The book is spread on her lap and her face is tilted up towards the stars. You smile.  
  
“There’s Cassiopeia,” she says, pointing. “So the Big Dipper should be there-ish?”  
  
“Up a little, see?” You nudge her arm to align with the constellation as you sit beside her.  
  
“Oh, yeah! You’d think I’d be better at finding the Big Dipper. Cassiopeia’s always more obvious to me.”  
  
You pluck the torch from her other hand and examine the map. “Found Draco yet?”  
  
“Uhh - mm-hm! And there’s Lyra. Do you see Vega? It’s one of the brightest stars, and it was the first other than the Sun to get photographed!”  
  
“I know that, I told you it.”  
  
She pokes you hard in the arm. “Rude.”  
  
You grin. “Well, tell me something I don’t already know.”  
  
“ _Still_ rude.”  
  
“Tell me something I don’t already know, please?”  
  
She huffs, but when you glance over she’s grinning. She leans her shoulder into yours, just a momentary press of affection. Fondness surges through you, but then it’s chased away by the frustrated - no no no, you’re not doing this, not right now. You focus on the stars, calmly point out which make up which constellation, fill your head with facts and figures til there isn’t room for anything else. You are dimly aware of how Vanessa is watching you, amusement and irritation and - you glance over - just a little worry, now.  
  
Your words stumble to a halt. The orderly tables of data fall apart and out of your head. You act some pretense of looking something up in Vanessa’s book, try to keep control. You flip the pages randomly for the excuse to move your fingers. Vanessa doesn’t comment. Instead she starts babbling about her favorite topic - the costuming in Star Trek - and bless her for letting it go. Bless her for ignoring your distress, not because she doesn’t care but because she does.  
  
You won’t have this in Lausanne.  
  
Involuntarily you curl into yourself, stomach tight, eyes hot. No no _no_ you _aren’t_ going there. You squeeze your eyes tight. _No_.  
  
It is suddenly quiet.  
(Aside from your sniveling.)  
  
“...Hermann?”  
  
Dammit.  
  
“We’re moving,” you choke out. “Again.”  
  
“What? But… I thought you said your father promised-”  
  
“Promises are lies!” You can’t stop the tears rolling down your cheeks now, but you manage to stifle the sob, even if the force of it shakes your whole ribcage. “Especially from him.”  
  
There is a long, unsure moment. Then her arms wrap around you, warm against the cool night air. “Hermann, I’m so sorry.”  
  
“We go just as soon as school gets out. Father’s been in Switzerland all this week, getting the new place sorted.” It sounds painfully childish to your ears when you add, “I don’t _want_ to go.”  
  
Vanessa squeezes you. Says something comforting. You don’t hear it. You’re an idiot, she just wanted to have a nice night, you’ve ruined everything just like you always do. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay. It’s... okay.”  
  
You scrub the tears from your face, try to bury the sobs back down, away. “Let’s just- let’s go back to astronomy. Or Star Trek. What were you saying?”  
  
She’s quiet for a long moment. Your breathing steadies. She’s staring at you, eyes wide and - you aren’t sure what to make of her expression, actually. This look is… new. You have no prior data to refer back to. “Are you really leaving? Forever?” she asks.  
  
“As far as I know. Nothing’s ever really permanent, but…. Yeah.”  
  
She glances at the sky. Bites her lip. She looks so upset, but then she clenches her fists like she does when she’s psyching herself up for something and-  
  
She jerks forward there are soft lips against yours then she’s away again, hands covering her mouth. All you can do is stare because wait _what_ just happened? Her eyes fill with tears and she’s choking out a litany of “I’m sorry”s and still all you can do is stare.  
  
“...What?”  
  
“I shouldn’t have that was stupid I’m sorry I’m sorry it’s just you won’t be here and Mama said I’m too young for boys but I wanted- this was stupid I’m sorry!”  
  
And she’s running off, book and torch abandoned on the grass. All the thoughts in your head are bottlenecked, you can’t process fast enough  
  
_I’m leaving I finally make a friend and I’m leaving again Father never keeps his promises I don’t want to go and I should be in bed and Bastien’s going to notice and will we even keep in touch and soft lips so soft what the hell what just why is she crying I don’t I’m not upset I’m just confused and no please don’t run away-_  
  
She’s gone. She ran off and you just sat and watched. Why did she kiss you? Does she… really?  
  
You can’t follow her, not now. She’s back in her house. You’ll wake the adults up.  
  
You should see her tomorrow at school. You hope. You look down at the things she forgot, and, yeah, you’ll have to talk to her to give them back. Or maybe just. Leave them at her desk? You don’t know what to do.  
  
Stupid, you should have reacted faster. Should’ve done something, not just sat there like a lump.  
  
You pick at the grass. Try not to start crying again.  
Why does everything have to fall apart all at once?

When you return to your room, it is dark, and silent, and already no longer feels like home.


End file.
